Written by: Mark Kunerth
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Chandler and Monica enter. Oh, and Joey is wearing a FDNY T-shirt to make this the first nod to the tragedy that Friends have made.]
Monica: Hey you guys?
Monica: I know its last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party.
Phoebe: Oh good! (And theres general excitement.)
Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. (And theres general disconcertment.) Come on! Itll be fun!
Ross: Well, Ill-Ill be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so
Rachel: Please tell me youre not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.
Joey: Look, Ill come to the party but Im not dressing up.
Monica: You have to!
Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone youre not
Chandler: Youre an actor!
Monica: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.
Joey: That hot girl from their wedding?
Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huhOoh-ooh, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw MassacreNo-no-no! Slutty Leatherface.
Phoebe: Now wasnt Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
Ross: Thats right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. (To Joey) Please dont take her from me.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, its me! Phoebe!
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Phoebe: Wait a second! So, whats new with you?
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, Im getting married next week.
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, Im really happy for you. (Starts to walk away.)
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess thatd be okay.
Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Umm, yknow, my friends are having a Halloween party tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could meet the guy youre marrying.
Ursula: Huh. Well, Im supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. Im supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
Phoebe: By the way, its a costume party.
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre (Motions to what shes wearing.)
Phoebe: (looks down) No. But thanks. (Walks away.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, The Halloween party has started. Monica is setting out some food as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Wait! Youre supposed to wear a costume!
Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she wont be able to fit into it.
Monica: Im Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when youre too big for it.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Kids: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Yknow, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts.
Kids: Trick or treat!!
Rachel: (to them) Just a minute!!! (She takes the candy and opens the door to two parents, a witch, a clown, and a cowgirl.) Look at you guys! Wow! You are a very scary witch. (Gives her candy.)
Witch: Thank you.
Rachel: And you are a very funny clown. (Gives him candy.)
Clown: Thank you.
Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Yknow, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I dont suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but
Cowgirl: (interrupting) Can I just have the candy?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Throws some in her bag and she walks away as Phoebe, dressed as Supergirl walks up and eyes Monica who eyes her back.)
Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica: So we do Supergirl.
Phoebe: No, its me. Phoebe!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
Monica: What?! I thought hed love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: You didnt dress up either?!
Joey: Yes I did! Im Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened?
Chandler: How is that me?
Joey: Okay. Im Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!
Chandler: When have I ever done that?!
Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.)
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! (Opens the door to reveal a ballerina) Well youre just the prettiest ballerina Ive ever seen.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Pirouettes.)
Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Does another ballerina move.)
Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy.
Ballerina: I love you! (Hugs Rachel.)
Rachel: Ohh Oh, honey here. Take it all. (Pours the entire large bowl into her bag and closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy?
Monica: What?! Theres only been like four kids.
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.
Ross: (entering) Hey! (Hes wearing a costume as well.)
Monica: What are you supposed to be?
Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, Im a potato or a spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that hes wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes (Theyre still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow! I dont have the worst costume anymore!
Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody.
Ross: No, I-Im not doody.
Monica: No, space doody!
(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fiancée Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
Eric: Arent you gonna give me a kiss?
Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are.
Phoebe: Ursulas fiancée?
Eric: Oh my God, youre the sister!
Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-laws ass.
Eric: Im an idiot. Uh, is your mother here? Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt.
Phoebe: My mother killed herself.
Eric: She, now I knew that and now Im sweating. Look at me, Im really sweatingNow Im saying, "Look at me," Im getting even sweatier. I think I probably should go.
Phoebe: No-no! Thats okay, well just start over. Okay? Hi! Im Phoebe.
Eric: Eric. (They shake hands and hes squinting. And, no, its not me.)
Phoebe: Why are you looking at me like that?
Eric: Cause the sweats getting in my eyes and its burning.
Phoebe: Okay. (Hands him a napkin.) So, what are you?
Eric: I dont think they have a name for it. Its just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy.
Phoebe: (laughs) No I-I meant your costume.
Eric: Oh umm, Im the solar system. (Hes wearing a black sweater with the planets glued on around the sun.) Yeah, my students helped me make itI teach the second grade.
Phoebe: I love the second grade!
Phoebe: Yeah! Its so much better than first grade when you dont know whats going on and definitely better than third grade. Yknow with all the politics and mind games.
Eric: So what do you do?
Phoebe: Umm, Im a masseuse by day. (Stands with her hands on her hips like a Supergirl pose.)
Eric: Yknow you dont have to stand here with me, believe me
Phoebe: No Im having fun. Im reallyAnd Im really-really excited for you and Ursula.
Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, shes great. I think shes the most beautiful woman Ive ever seen.
Phoebe: Thank you.
[Time lapse, Monica is going over to talk to Joey.]
Monica: Hey Joey?
Monica: You read comic books right?
Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl?
Joey: Catwoman, hands down.
Joey: But between you and Phoebe, Id have to give the edge to Phoebe.
Monica: What?! Really?!
Joey: Are you kiddin? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, shes got this crazy temper. SheShes not standing right behind me is she?
Monica: No youre fine. (Joey checks anyway.) All right well, do you think I could take Rachel?
Joey: Im not sure.
Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! (Her stomach) As hard as you can!
Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesnt matter.
Monica: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you say if I told you that, yknow, Ross or Chandler could beat you up?
Joey: I would say, "Woman, please!"
Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursulas fiancée is really sweet! Hes a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Yknow normally yknow, I dont like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe!
Monica: Youre getting a crush on your sisters fiancée.
Phoebe: No Im not! You are!
Joey: (To Monica) Here comes the temper.
(Theres a knock on the door and Rachel opens it to a little girl.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Hi! Yknow what honey, were actually out of candy right now. But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but Im out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check?
Rachel: Okay, whats your name?
Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Rachel: Okay, Im just gonna write this out to cash.
Mona: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hey Mona!
Chandler: Oh! Hi!
Chandler: Joeys gonna be thrilled! He was hoping youd come by as a slutty nurse.
Mona: Umm, actually Im just a nurse.
Chandler: Youd think that would embarrass me, but you see Im maxed out.
Ross: You made it!
Mona: Wait-wait! Youre umm, youre a potato
Ross: Well, Im a spud
Mona: And the antennae Oh my God youre Spudnik!
Chandler: (To Ross) Marry her.
[Cut to Joey and Monica.]
Joey: Okay, heres a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler.
Monica: I cant answer that! Chandlers my husband.
Joey: So Ross?
[Cut to Phoebe and Eric.]
Eric: Hey beautiful.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Eric: Two weeks ago.
Phoebe: Two weeks? Thats it?
Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and its not like me to do something so impulsive, but shes just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
Phoebe: Oh really?
Eric: Were both teachers.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I dont know.")
Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met.
Ursula: Yeah. It wasnt a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
(They walk away.)
[Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]
Chandler: Howdy doody.
Ross: Thats funny. Yeah. Yknow youre the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. Youre looking a little flushed.
Joey: (To Monica) Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question.
Chandler: What question?
Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
Chandler: Theres no question.
Joey: So you think Ross too?
(Monica turns around slowly.)
Chandler: (To Monica) You picked Ross?!
Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, hes the strongest out of all three of you! (Joey looks at her.) Except for Joey.
Chandler: I cannot believe you didnt pick me.
Ross: Uh, in her defense, shes right. I am stronger. I would destroy you.
Chandler: Oh really?! You think youre stronger? Why dont you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)
Ross: Oh Ill prove it! Ill prove it like a theorem!!
(They start to fight with Ross pulling on Chandlers ears and Chandler hitting Ross over the head with his carrot.)
Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! (Breaks it up.) Now listen, no ones gonna fight in this apartment.
Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to see a fight, lets give em what they came for!
Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.
Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.
Chandler: (To Ross) Youre going down.
Ross: Oh yeah? Youre going further down! Downtown!
Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the party continues with Rachel leaning on the counter as Gunther walks in carrying candy.]
Rachel: Oh Gunther! You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet.
Rachel: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Kid: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go! (Hands him some candy.)
Boy in the Cape: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.
Rachel: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now weve got candy.
Boy in the Cape: Id rather have the money.
Rachel: Well, that-thats not your choice. Happy Halloween!
Boy in the Cape: This isnt fair.
Rachel: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up!
Rachel: You shut up!
(The gang gets interested now.)
Boy in the Cape: You cant tell me to shut up!
Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up!
Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I knowIm goodI got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, Ive got one more thing I have to say to you oh right! Shut up!
Boy in the Cape: Youre a mean old woman. (Runs away.)
Rachel: No! Wait no! Shut upI mean dont cry! Let me get my checkbook! (Grabs her checkbook and runs after him.)
[Cut to Mona and Joey clearing the dining room table for the grudge match between Chandler and Ross.]
Monica: (To Chandler) Look honey, you dont have to do this, okay? Its the strength you have inside that means the most to me. Youre loyal, youre honest, and you have integrity! Thats the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love!
Chandler: That means nothing to me. (To Ross) Come on!
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Phoebe: Hi liar!
Phoebe: Yknow the only reason hes marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true.
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Phoebe: But theyre not!
Ursula: Yeah, its a fine line huh?
Phoebe: Why are you lying to him?
Ursula: I dont know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Eric: (entering) Honey?
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face) Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Eric: Shes helped so many people to quit smoking.
Ursula: Yknow, wed really better get going.
Eric: Oh right, youve got a church group meeting tonight.
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
Eric: (To Phoebe) Well, it was nice meeting you.
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
Joey: (entering) Pheebs come on! Bunny vs. Doody! Were waiting! (They go inside.) (To Chandler and Ross.) Okay. Okay guys, one match, winner take all. (They grasp each others hand in preparation for battle.) Oh wait-wait! What does the winner get?
Chandler: And dignity.
Joey: (laughing) Okay, if you say so. All right, ready? Set! Go!
(They start wrestling, only they are unable to move either ones arm despite a huge strain on their faces and a cheering crowd.)
[Time Lapse: the crowd has left and only Mona, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are still watching to see who will be able to move the others arm first. An event that has yet to happen.]
Mona: (To Joey) Wow! Theyre both really strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.
Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh God!
Monica: Chandlers making his sex face.
(Basically Chandlers face looks like hes not all there and is staring off into the distance )
Ross: (To Chandler) So, you gettin tired?
Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day.
Ross: Yeah? Me too. (Pause) Gettin a little tired though.
Chandler: God, Im exhausted.
Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Monas standing right over there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, shes talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!
Chandler: No way! If anything youve gotta let me win! My wife thinks Im a wimp!
Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin people up! And Im dressed as doody.
Chandler: Youre Spudnik.
Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? Im doody. Please? Shes watchin.
Chandler: Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no!
Ross: (celebrating) Oh yeah!
Mona: (clapping) Yay! My hero!
Joey: (to her) Youre a weird lady.
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Eric: (finds it) What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.
Phoebe: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Well, I guess Ill see you at the wedding. (Exits and Phoebe follows him into the hall.)
Phoebe: Umm listen, I dont think I dont think Im gonna make it to the wedding. So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world.
Eric: I think well be okay. Besides its so perfect and (whispering) shes been saving herself for me.
Phoebe: Okay I cant let you do this! Shes lying to you.
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursulas purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. YeahNot a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, heres the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, heres her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Eric: She told me she was 25.
Phoebe: Oh, I almost dont want to show this. (Hands it to him.) Just remember Im a minute younger.
Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! Shes not a teacher. Theres not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies.
Phoebe: No. Youre not, youre not stupid.
Eric: Im not smart. (Phoebe has no comeback.) I just wanted so much to be impulsive once. To be romantic.
Phoebe: Thats good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just you did it with the wrong person. (He looks at her.) What?
Eric: Its just so weird, two people look so much alike, and so different.
Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Lets go!!
Eric: Id better go, deal
Phoebe: Yeah, you should. (They shake hands.)
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursulas purse and he walks away.)
[Time Lapse: Rachel is returning from chasing down the boy in the cape.]
Rachel: Hey! Well, I had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying.
Joey: Thats not so bad.
Rachel: No, I also had to go to a couple houses with him as his girlfriend. Oh, I am just awful with children!
Joey: Come on! Youre good with kids. Theyre just crazy on Halloween. Yknow, theyre all greedy and hopped up on sugar!
Rachel: Really? You think thats all it is?
Joey: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas and their birthdays. Kinda get a little crazy during the summer too. And anytime theyre hungry or sleepy. Yknow, kids are tough. Good luck with that. (Walks away.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are standing in the kitchen.]
Monica: Look, I wanted to tell Im-Im sorry you lost.
Chandler: Listen, Ive got a secret for ya. I let him win.
Monica: (laughs) Is that a secret or a lie.
Chandler: No, I let him winRoss!
Chandler: Would you tell her I let you win please?
Ross: Oh. Yeah. (Sarcastically) Uh Chandler let me win. No, Chandlers really strong. Oh my arm is so sore. Oh nurse! (Waddles over to Mona.)
Chandler: I am strong! Ill show you! (He sits down at the table.)
Monica: Chandler please!
Chandler: Oh whats the matter? Are you scared?
Monica: Lets go big bunny!
(They assume the starting position.)
Chandler: Okay. 1 2 3Go! (Once again hes at a stalemate, but this time hes in pain.) (Pause) Im gonna kill myself!