Story by: Adam Chase
Teleplay by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, he is asleep and snoring loudly. Chandler enters wondering who left their engine running.]
Chandler: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!!
Joey: (joining in, in his sleep) Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey! Joey!!
(Chandler acts disgusted, but is happy that Joey has stopped snoring. However, just as he is about to leave, Joey starts snoring again. So to get him to stop, he slams the door shut, waking Joey.)
Chandler: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting another cup of coffee.]
Chandler: Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? (Gunther starts to pour him another cup.) So uh, what do you do when youre not working here?
Gunther: You dont need to fill these silences.
Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)
Monica: Chandler, thats like your fourth cup of coffee!
Chandler: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because Im exhausted! Because Joey started snoring!
Monica: Hes in a different room! Hes really that loud?
Joey: (proudly) Oh, you should here me.
Chandler: Its not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic!
Joey: Look, I told ya, Im not going to any clinic! I dont have a problem, youre the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic!
Chandler: They dont have those.
Joey: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, youve just had your first class!
Monica: Yknow I used to go out with this guy that was a really light sleeper, and whenever I started to snore, he would just roll me over
Joey: Ohhh, yeah!
Monica: He would just roll me over and I would stop snoring.
Chandler: Next time you snore, Im rolling ya over!
Joey: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do it.
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey, all right!
(Joey starts humming Here Come the Bride.)
Phoebe: Oh, the Olympics.
Monica: Have you guys picked a date yet?
Ross: Oh no, not yet.
Phoebe: I still cannot believe youre engaged! (Ross looks at her) Just cause its happening so fast; not cause youre such a loser.
Ross: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach?
Monica: Ugh, shes upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya something! Im not doing them this time! I dont care if those dishes sit in the sink until theyre all covered withIll do them when I get home!
Ross: Yeahoh! Hey listen umm, Emily found this wedding dress in London
Ross: Yeah, but it didnt fit. Well, luckily theres a store here that has one left in her size, but Im the groom, Im not supposed to see the dress
Monica: Ill pick it up for you!
Ross: Thank you.
Chandler: Oh, shes got you running errands, yknow, picking up wedding dresses (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!
Ross: Whats wah-pah?
Chandler: Yknow, whipped! Wah-pah!
Joey: Thats not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh!
Chandler: Thats what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You cant do anything!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is not doing the dishes. She hears someone coming up the stairs and quickly puts down her magazine and pretends like shes actually doing the dishes.]
Rachel: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes!
Rachel: Oh! Its you. (She stops doing the dishes.) Hi.
Ross: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so
Ross: So listen uh, I know you and I havent really had a chance to talk since uh, Emily and I decided to get married, and uh, I was just wondering how you were.
Ross: I know if you were getting married Id feel, kinda .. yknow.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but Im okay.
Ross: All right, I just wanted to check.
Rachel: Oh, thats sweet.
(He goes over to hug her.)
Ross: Youre great. And I-I know someday this will happen for you too. You just hang in there.
Rachel: (breaking the hug) Uhh, hang in there?
Ross: Oh, no, I didnt mean, uh
Rachel: I mean maybe you didnt hear about a serious relationship called me and Joshua?
Ross: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on like four dates, I didnt realise that had become anything, yet.
Rachel: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become, it hasyeah. Oh no, those were four great dates.
Ross: Oh. Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean yknow, emotionally, mentally, physically
Ross: Wow, thats-thats-thats incredible.
Rachel: I know isnt it? Its like Im right there with Joshua.
Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And its yknow, its kinda like . its a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes.
Ross: I gotta get to work.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Fine.
Ross: Hey, yknow, yknow what would make me really happy?
Rachel: Oh yeah, no, whats that?
Ross: If like the four of us could all yknow, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emilys coming into town this weekend, why dont you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night?
Rachel: That would be great!
Ross: Yeah, all right, its a date. (He leaves)
Rachel: (to the closed door) Hang in there. You hang in there. (Gives him the raspberry.)
Ross: (coming back in) Did you say something?
Rachel: No, just singing. (Does a little song.)
[Scene: Beatrice Bridal Shop, Monica and Phoebe are there to pick up Emilys dress.]
Monica: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! Its so beautiful!
Phoebe: Yeah, but yknow, about have of these are gonna end up getting divorced.
The Saleslady: May I help you ladies?
Monica: Oh, yes, umm, Im here to pick up a dress that you have on hold.
The Saleslady: Yes, whats the name, please?
Monica: Emily Waltham.
The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. (Phoebe and Monica both gasp at the dress.) Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham?
Monica: (laughs) Okay.
[Time lapse. Monica is wearing the dress and starring at herself in the mirror.]
Phoebe: Youre the most beautiful bride Ive ever seen.
Monica: I am, arent I?
The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham?
The Saleslady: Were closing.
Monica: All right. (Goes to take off the dress.)
The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back?
(She disgustedly takes the ring off and gives it back.)
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, hes snoring again and Chandler is there to roll him over.]
Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! Youre going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing the dishes.]
Monica: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe she does. Does she use the plates? Yes! I believe she does. (Looks at the wedding dress and stops.)
[Time lapse, Monica is now wearing the dress while doing the dishes and is making like she is thanking her guests for coming to her wedding. Paging Dr. Crane. Dr. Fraiser Crane!]
Monica: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very much. Oh, thank you for coming. (Theres a knock on the door.) Uh, just a second!
Phoebe: No-no, let me in!
Monica: Can you just hold on for one minute?
Phoebe: No, you have to let me in right now!!
Monica: Are you alone?
Monica: All right.
(She goes over and lets Phoebe bounce in wearing her own wedding dress.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is complaining about going to the clinic.]
Joey: This sucks! I didnt know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic! Im so tired!
Chandler: Its 6:00.
Joey: Yeah, well
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Chandler: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think thats, I think thats really cool.
Joey: Yeah, Rach, I think youre handling that really well.
Rachel: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? Theres nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasnt for me and Joshua. Yknow, theyre not gonna get married anyway!
Rachel: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast its ridiculous! I mean, theyre gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what theyve done and theyre call the whole thing off. Im telling ya, youre gonna be dancing at my wedding before youre dancing at theres.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I dont dance at weddings.
Rachel: Why not?
Chandler: Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this (Starts to dancing really, really, really badly. Ross enters behind him and he stops.)
Ross: Hey man.
Ross: So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today?
Joey: I am (Looks in his date book.) free!
Ross: Great! Because Emily and I are getting married in a month!
Joey and Chandler: What?!
Rachel: In a month?
Rachel: You mean, you mean 30 days?
Rachel: From now?
Rachel: Well, thats great.
Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but its going to be torn down, so I mean, I-I know its crazy, but everything up til now has been so crazy, and I dont know, this just feels right. Yknow?
Joey: (still looking in date book) Hey! Thats the day after I stop menstruating! (They all look at him.) This isnt mine.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is waiting impatiently for Joshua.]
Joshua: (entering) Hey, Rachel.
Joshua: Whats up? Youre voice sounded all squeaky on the phone.
Rachel: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you. See you and hug you. (Hugs him) See you.
Rachel: Yeah! (She sits down) Sit!
Joshua: (sitting) You okay?
Rachel: Im more than okay, I am really, really happy! Wanna know why?
Joshua: Do I?
Rachel: Cause I am really happy about us. I think we are, I think we are so on the right track! Yknow? I mean, I think we are working, I think we are clicking. Yknow?
Joshua: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, were-were-were-were-were clicking.
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, yknow if-if there was just like one little area where Ithat I think we needwe would need to work on; I-I would think it was were just not crazy enough!
Joshua: I-I gotta say, I-I-I-Im not too sure I agree with that.
Rachel: Well, yeah, right, yknow what? Yeah, youre right, I mean, we no, we have our fun. Yeah! But if (Grunts uncomprehensively) I mean, I mean like craaaazy! Yknow? Okay, all right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound yknow, a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm. Ugh. What if we got married?
Joshua: What?! (Gunther is listening in.)
Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, its-its so, its so totally like, "Whoa! Can we do this?" Yknow, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Dont you think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, dont you think?
Joshua: Wow! Uhh, Rachel uhh, youre a real special lady, but my divorce isnt final yet and, and, and weve been on four days, so Im thinking "No, but thanks."
Gunther: YOU IDIOT!!!!!
[Scene: The Sleep Clinic, Joey is having trouble staying awake.]
Sleep Clinic Worker: Your name, please?
Joey: Joey Tribbiani.
Sleep Clinic Worker: Um-hmm, and did you stay up all night in preparation for your sleep study. (Joey doesnt answer) Uh, sir? (Joey starts snoring)
Chandler: (answering for him) Yes he did.
Sleep Clinic Worker: Alll right, well call you in a few minutes.
(As she leaves, a beautiful woman enters and sits down across from the boys.)
Chandler: (waking Joey) Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot!
Joey: (sleepily) Yeah, she is. Wow! (Falls back asleep, loudly) How you doin?
(Chandler wakes him up, again.)
Chandler: Youre coming on to the entire room! (He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines next to her, and to get her attention, he throws them back down.) Im Chandler.
Woman: Im Marjorie.
Chandler: You mind if I
Marjorie: No, please.
(He sits down next to her.)
Chandler: So uh, what are you in for?
Marjorie: I talk in my sleep.
Chandler: What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep.
Joey: (asleep) So why dont you give me your number?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe, still defying reality, are now throwing a bouquet at each other, pretending to catch the actual bouquet at an actual wedding.]
Monica: Okay, ready?
(She turns around and throws the bouquet to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: (catching it) I got it! Mine! (They both hug)
Phoebe: Thank you!
Monica: Okay! My turn! My turn!
Phoebe: Okay! (Gets into position) Okay, ready?
Monica: (cocking her head from side to side in some pre-bouquet-catching ritual) Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe turns and throws it on the couch.)
Monica: (upset) That was a terrible throw!!
Phoebe: Im not gonna right to you! Thats not real!
Monica: Look at me! My big concern is whats real?! (Finally realises) Oh my God. Were really sad, arent we?
Phoebe: Yeah, I think we are.
Monica: This isnt even my dress.
Phoebe: Well, at least you didnt rent yours from a store called, "Its Not Too Late."
Monica: Im changing out of this.
Phoebe: Me too.
Monica: In like a half-hour?
Phoebe: Me too.
Monica: Okay, throw it straight this time.
(She throws it straight, and Monica makes a big deal about catching it.)
Monica: Im getting married next!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe, back to reality, are sitting in normal clothes.]
Phoebe: I hate my regular clothes now! Yknow? I look down and-and I know that this isnt gonna be the most special day of my life.
Monica: Yeah. I mean it was kinda fun for a while, but didnt you start feeling silly?
Phoebe: I guess.
(Monica crosses her legs and is still wearing the garter belt.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Monica: Oh God.
Phoebe: Oh, youre such a cheater!
Chandler: (entering) Hello! Little ones.
Monica: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring?
Chandler: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (Theyre stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me.
Phoebe: Oh, howd that happen?
Chandler: Because Im cooler.
Monica: No, seriously.
Chandler: Well shes, shes the kinda girlJoey was unconscious.
(Joey enters, wearing a mouth guard like boxers wear.)
Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Hey you guys! Whats happening?
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: What is that?
Joey: (muffled) Oh, they gave it to me at the sleep clinic, and its gonna help me not to snore.
Monica: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe? Cause I dont think you have to wear it unless you are!
Joey: (takes out the mouth guard) I know I dont have too! It tastes good. (Puts it back in.)
Chandler: Plus, you look cool.
(Joey totally agrees with this statement and kicks his feet up.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is putting away the wedding dress, finally.]
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) Well, I just called Joshua
Phoebe: Oh, how did it go?
Rachel: Well, I did my best to convince him that Im not some crazy girl who is dying to get marriedIm just going through a hard time.
Phoebe: What did he say?
Rachel: Well uh, his answering machine was very understanding. Ugh. I feel blue.
Monica: Ohh, sweetie! (Goes to comfort her.) Hey, I bet you anything that hes gonna call you again.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe, but I dont think I even care. I dont think hes the one Im sad about. Yknow, I know that I said that I am totally okay with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I dont think Im handling it all that well.
Phoebe: Yeah, maybe.
Rachel: And I-I am just trying to figure out why.
Phoebe: Any luck?
Rachel: Well, yeah, yknow how Ross and I were on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again.
Monica: Again. Yknow what? I think we all did.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey! (She jumps up and throws Emilys wedding dress into Rachels room.)
Ross: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday night, okay? How about, Ernies at 9 oclock?
Rachel: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for three.
Ross: Oh, see I-I dont know if were gonna be hungry at three.
Rachel: Three people. Joshuas not gonna be there.
Ross: What happened?
Rachel: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up with me.
Ross: Noo. Why?
Rachel: Well, apparently he scares easy.
Ross: Oh, Rachel, Im-Im sorry.
Rachel: Its okay. Sometimes, things dont work out the way youd thought they would.
Ross: Come here.
Rachel: (breaking the hug) Oh, hey, dont you have to go pick up Emily?
Ross: You okay?
Rachel: Yeah! I got my girls.
Rachel: Ugh. (She goes over and lays her head on Phoebes lap.)
Phoebe: (looks at Monica) Hey, yknow what might cheer you up?
[Time lapse, all three girls are now wearing wedding dresses, eating popcorn, drinking beer, and watching TV.]
Rachel: Yknow, I gotta tell ya, this really does put in a better mood.
Monica: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time. (Pause) Maybe someday, there will be.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Monica: Oh God! Hes gonna come by and borrow some candles for his big date!
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes to answer the door.)
Monica: No-no, Rachel, dont get it! He cant see us!
Phoebe: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the bride!
Rachel: Im not gonna marry Chandler!
Phoebe: Not after this!
Rachel: Okay, you guys, just relax. (She goes over to open the door, and as she does, she says.) I doooo. (Sees that its Joshua, not Chandler that knocked on the door.)
Joshua: I gotta go.
Rachel: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! (Pause) (Comes back inside) Yeah, well, that oughta do it.
[Scene: Chandlers bedroom, he is sleeping with Marjorie. All of the sudden, Marjorie starts talking in her sleep, awakening Chandler. After a little bit, she quiets back down, and Chandler tries to get back to sleep. Theres a short pause until she starts screaming, causing Chandler to scream with her. She quickly calms down. This all wakes up Joey, who comes over wearing the mouth guard, opens the top half of Chandlers door, and starts to complain about the noise.]
Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Dude! I am trying to sleep! (Shrugs to say, "Whats up with that?")